Journal – 5/16/3016, 7:12 PM
I had a dream that I killed a friend. Or at least, I was trying to. It’s not even like a person I dislike in particular. Sure, she’s kind of moral-less, but in my sort of way. She doesn’t mind lying, and she covers up with an innocent exterior, exactly like me.
But anyways, I had a gun. I felt rather cold, and it did cross my mind that I was about to take someone’s life, but I still went ahead. It felt like that time I mutilated Giles. Something in my mind rationalized it, so I shot.
But she refused to die. So I shot again and again. I tried to trick her into staying still, and I secretly shot her, but I missed slightly. And in that high, slightly stubborn voice of hers, she was saying ‘come on!’ or something along those lines. She wasn’t dead, but she was in that limbo where another good shot would finish her, but a good doctor would heal her.
I think I woke up then.
This was the first time I killed a person in a dream. I’ve witnessed my father dying, a random girl committing suicide, and a lifeguard that became me, watching her drown from the sidelines. But this time, I killed someone.
Not that it’s a novelty.
I think it’s because I’m worried Otto might get taken seriously. Because then, what happens to me? I become a pariah. Again. All my new friends vaporize.
I also recently read an article about an Execor student that burned out from stress. It wasn’t published. I just happened to find it somewhere in the Great Library.
I don’t want to burn out.
Maybe my dream was a reflection of school grades + social scenario + internal conflict.
I have an astrophysics test tomorrow, and an algebraic geometry test on Friday, so I’ll wrap up here. I just thought this was an important mental checkpoint. In case it ever comes to the point in which I spiral deeper, this can be traced as the beginning.
I’m very obsessive about these kinds of dates and times and all that. You can probably tell, since I’ve been writing the dates down to the minute for quite a while.
I really do fear myself.
A soon as I shut the door to my dorm, my pros starts ringing again. “Who is it,” I sigh, turning it to Sorex. She looks up, and a smile appears on her lips.
“Maybe this person isn’t worth your attention.”
I flip it over. My father. I reject the call and collapse on my bed. I navigate to my celestial mechanics textbook and scan the reading.
He calls again. I reject again.
This process continues some seven times before Sorex loses her patience. “Just answer it!” She exclaims. “Tell him not to call you again. You don’t even need to form a complete sentence.”
“In that aspect, I do.” Nevertheless, I answer the call and am met with my father’s smiling face.
“Hello, my dear daughter! How’s school?”
“Sour because you keep distracting me,” I growl. “Leave me alone.”
“Well, tell about school.”
“I don’t want to freaking tell you about school. Stop calling me.” I end the call.
Sorex whistles. “That’s abrupt. Whatever is going on between you two?”
“Nothing,” I mutter. I fiddle with the settings so that his number doesn’t get through in the future.
Sorex throws her pillow at me. “That is definitely not nothing.”
Sucks to suck because I’m not telling you. I toss her pillow back and shift my position.
A few minutes later, I decide to call Valerie. I contact her and set the settings so that the sound waves are enclosed and Sorex can’t hear anything.
“Hey little sister,” Valerie greets. Her hair is cropped up in a tight bun but a few strand of hair are loose and her eyes are rimmed in dark shadows.
“You look tired,” I say.
“I am,” she sighs. “I just met some Fringe ambassadors. They’re a little… difficult.”
“Talk about it,” she moans and unties her hair. Long, light brown hair tumbles down her back, still twisted in the shape of her bun. “So what’s up with you?” She starts applying makeup remover.
“Dad called me.”
Valerie stops. She looks at me. “What?” She looks surprised, and it makes sense. As far as we’d known, our father had done his best to favor her and ignore me.
“He wanted to suck up. I bet he likes me now that I’m at V3. That’s the only reason.”
Valerie tilts her head. “Maybe.” She frowns a little. “Weird. Did he want anything out of it?”
“I don’t think so.” I tilt the screen. “Other than sucking up to me.”
Valerie laughs. “If you say so. How’s school?”
“Fine.” I think about Maddox. I don’t know if it’s something I should mention. I decide to keep it quiet for the moment. “Val, I just realized I have a test tomorrow. See you later.”
“Sounds good.” Valerie waves, and the screen blanks out.
“I’m guessing that person is worth your attention,” Sorex comments. She twirls a textbook over her head.
“She’s worth anyone’s attention.”
Sorex nods. “Clearly, with those charming looks.”
I roll over on my bed and yank out the drawer underneath. I pull out a pair of pajamas. “I’ve decided I’m too lazy to shower.”
“Says the person chewing her hair. Did you know hair-”
Sorex spits out her hair. “Is the most disgusting part of my body? Yeah. Thanks for reminding me.”
“No problem.” I smile sweetly. I kick off my pants. Sorex tilts her head.
“You know, you were really shy about that a week ago.”
“I was an insecure kid from Earth.”
“You’re still a kid from Earth. Are you no longer insecure?”
Good question. I slip my night clothes on and lay down on my back.
“What party was that Fringe chief in? The one who did the Plantagenet Affair and enacted the Corruption Acts?” Sorex swipes past her notes, frowning.
“Inter-Liberty. It stemmed from the Redland Party,” I say. “The quiz is an essay. Did you hear?”
“No.” Sorex shuts off her screen and buries her face in her pillow. “She never told our class.”
“It shouldn’t be too bad.” I bring up my textbook and flip through tomorrow’s reading. “The quiz is just over that development of transportation and communications part. She probably won’t make it a preview quiz.”
“Those suck,” Sorex says, her voice muffled by the pillow. “It’s not even fair. How are we supposed to know to read ahead?”
“It’s not fair,” I agree, scanning the readings for next week.